I’ve written a little bit before about how the Gods have been there for me when things have been bad in my life (specifically, when Husband has been in hospital). But during his first two admissions They really had to come to me, because I wasn’t going to Them very much.
Because I was struggling, I wasn’t doing all the devotional practices that I should do – regular prayer, meditation, et cetera. I felt like I couldn’t approach Them and ask for help because I wasn’t being a good enough devotee to request anything from Them. This was especially prevalent during hospital admission #2, since I’d had my own lil’ breakdown by that point and was, frankly, all over the place. It’s not that I ever stopped talking to Them, but I definitely pulled away because I felt like, since I wasn’t giving my best to Them, it was wrong to present myself to Them at all – much less ask for or accept anything from Them.
Not long after hospital admission #3, They managed to get through to me and tell me that I’m supposed to lean on them at times like this. It is, apparently, an integral part of the relationship. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I only cut myself once during that third admission, managed my eating in a more healthy way, and just dealt with the situation better in general.
With a more removed perspective, I can see how this is logical. I wouldn’t expect someone to be able to give me their best in a relationship if they were struggling to cope with their life – it would be a time for me to help them without expecting anything in return. Maybe that seems obvious to you, but I was so busy thinking about how I don’t want to be someone who only speaks to the Gods when things are bad and forgets all about Them when things are good that I didn’t realize that it was okay – normal, in fact – to take without giving during emergencies. All deep relationships go through times like that – and when things are better, the balance evens out. That’s part and parcel of any strong relationship.
I was told that relying on Them through bad times would bring me closer to Them, and They were right. It strengthened our relationships, brought us closer and showed me that I could trust Them (if you’d have asked me before this if I trusted the Gods, I’d have said ‘of course! 100%!’, but it turns out that my issues with trust go deeper than I realized lol. Because clearly I actually didn’t Them – or, more accurately, the relationship I had with Them. Or my worthiness to be helped. Fuck, I don’t know. Ask my psychiatrist).
Yesterday morning, as I was attempting, through a fog of exhaustion, to put my clothes on in the right order, Loki ‘spoke’ to me. The impression I received was His compassion for lives that are in a mess – people who are struggling, who can’t keep up with the things they need to do to keep their lives in order, who are fighting with themselves and their problems (people like me lol). I don’t know why He chose that moment to give me that message, but it’s brought me another step closer to Him – because I know I can go to Him, with my endless mess and inadequacy, and receive understanding instead of judgment. I guess I kinda knew that already, on an intellectual level…But my feelings were still more that I was worried about not being good enough, and I was expecting negative judgment because I was negatively judging myself, so it seemed logical that everyone else would too. I guess sometimes someone has to show you that you can trust them.
I used to worry a *lot* about not being good enough for the Gods – not doing enough, not giving enough…and I didn’t realize it, but I was actually putting a barrier between me and Them with that attitude. Now I’m realizing that They don’t just want me at my absolute best, it’s actually allowing me to do more of all those things I felt bad for not doing enough of.