I wondered for a while whether or not I should write about my personal experiences of Loki. The main reason I’ve been reluctant to write about Him is that my experiences of Him don’t always tally with what I read most other people write about. I see (perceive, in some way or other) that stuff from time to time – the youthful prankster, the mad, tortured God, what I’ve come to think of as the ‘dangerous boyfriend’ part of His personality – so I’m not saying that everyone else is wrong and I’m the only person who really knows Him. The first time I definitely made contact with Him, for example, I found Someone Who was *really* angry. And for the first couple of years, He showed me a side of Himself that I could readily recognize when I read through other people’s experiences; bright, energetic, unpredictable, confident, dirty sense of humor, air of danger.
He also helped me a very great deal with my mental health problems during that time. He showed me new ways to think about things, and He also made me accept a whole heap of stuff about myself and my life that I really, *really* didn’t want to accept. It hurt. It hurt a lot. But He could get me through it, because He understood in a way that no-one else ever had. So I was aware of the…what I can only describe as the complete insanity that He went through, though I’ve never had to look at that full-on, as it were.
But then He began to feel…distant. I’d begun a devotional relationship with Hel by that point, and I’d read one or two people say that Loki sometimes made first contact in order to lead people to Someone else, so I thought maybe that had happened. I was really sad about that. Wife would insist that she could sense Him about the place all the freaking time, but I could certainly never get hold of Him.
Then, probably a bit less than a year ago, He came back. But the feeling I got was ‘I’m pressing reset on this relationship’. Naturally, I thought I must have done something horrifically wrong and He’d graciously decided to forgive and forget. But now I think it was more that, now I knew Who it was that I was talking to, He wanted to introduce me to a side of Himself that I might not otherwise have recognized as being Him.
I tend to experience Loki as a mature, Fatherly individual. Sometimes there’s a…tiredness. Sometimes there’s a sadness that’s very deep, but not out-of-control grief. My sense is that He’s been through all of the things that we read about in the Eddas, all the unbearable pain and madness, and finally come to some sort of mental balance. He’s always very kind to me. Kindness is probably my overwhelming impression. I also have the impression that home and family are very important to Him. The most recent time that I visually saw Him, He was sitting at a kitchen table near an old-fashioned fireplace. I think Sigyn was cooking or baking, and Lady Hel was there as well. It was the absolute most homey thing you ever saw in your life. He treated me as if I were His grandchild (which I sorta am…more on that later. Maybe). I’ve seen other things, things it’s hard to write about because they’re so sad, but most of the time it’s this.
I know this doesn’t fit real well with some of the more glamorous/agonizing/dangerous things that others have experienced…Though to me, once you think about if for a bit, it kinda does, actually. And I know that the Gods aren’t fluffy teddy bears that will be nice to us all time time no matter what. I’d read so much about savage Gods that my experiences of Loki (and Hel) being really super nice to me have been…difficult to accept as real. I keep convincing myself that it must all be wish-fulfillment or something (I also expect people to treat me like s***, for reasons that aren’t important to this blog. Accepting kindness from anyone has proven…tricky). But these are my experiences, none the less.
It’s a side to His personality I’m sure other people must have come across, but I haven’t really seen people writing about it (I’ve probably just missed it). So I thought I’d put this out there. I’ve been greatly helped by other people who were kind and brave enough to write, so I feel I should do the same.