I Just Know…?

I’ve read one or two blogs lately that have made me think about spiritual perception. For example; many people have personal relationships with specific Deities – me with Loki, Sigyn and Hel, for example, or Wife with Jesus, the Virgin Mary and Þórr. But how do we know?

There were signs, of course, spiritual experiences, and…intuition, I suppose. But nothing that couldn’t be explained away, if we wanted to. Sometimes it would have to be quite a weird explanation, but I’m sure we could do it if we were determined. How can I be sure I’m not just imagining the whole thing? My relationships with Deities, my Spiritual relationships, all these things that are so important to me…how can I be sure, really, that I’m not just kidding myself?

I mean, I’m just…me. I’m not special. Why would a Deity or powerful Spirit take a personal interest in me? I can’t think of a single reason. The signs are there, but they’re *so* difficult to believe. I’ve heard and read people advising others that ‘you’ll just know’. Well, I won’t. I will never ‘just know’, because my brain won’t let me.

One time, I had to journey to get a yes or no answer. Nightmare. I told the lady running the group that I was ‘pre-programmed to fail’. What I meant by this was that I knew, before I’d even begun, that my own mental chatter was going to make it impossible for me to get a clear answer. In that particular scenario, my automatic response was ‘I’ll get a no’. You know how some people have to check themselves to make sure they’re not just hearing everything they want to hear? I have to check myself to make sure I’m not just hearing everything I dread. Or believe about myself, perhaps. So then I’d have to consciously work against my automatic ‘I’ll get a no’…but what if that interferes with my journey, too? What if I mess things up in the opposite direction? It just creates a tangled, impossible mess. Right now, I can’t overcome that.

I’m aware that I’m definitely over-thinking sometimes. As I’m writing this, I’m getting this feeling that several Someones are watching and saying ‘seriously, dude, you are destroying yourself over nothing here’. At this moment, that feeling is so present and real that I can’t honestly doubt it. But I know, later, that I’ll look back and a part of me will wonder if it was just wish fulfillment (I’m sorry!). It’s not that I don’t believe in Deities and Spirits. I just struggle to believe They could possibly be bothered to hang out with me. Why would they?

And yet, I have no problem believing that They’ll show up for other people. I have no doubt at all that Jesus and now Þórr have reached out to Wife in friendship. I’ve never doubted Dad’s relationship with Jesus, or Teacher’s relationship with Óðinn. Everyone is worthy of relationship with Deity/Spirit…except me, obviously.

Am I really so uniquely worthless that Deities and Spirits are forming relationships with every other human being except me? That doesn’t seem massively logical.

The thought that my mental health s*it is getting in the way of my spiritual relationships really aggravates me, and I’m working on it. I never really worked on it before, because I never really felt that I deserved to feel any different lol. But it’s hard. I’ve perceived, in one way or another, stuff in journeys and during prayer that I automatically discard, because ‘that can’t be true’. Stuff I’m pretty sure more confident people would take as rock-solid evidence lol. I decided to write today because I’m sure I’m not alone in this. So often I hear ‘you’ll just know’ or ‘it will feel right’ – but if I wait for that, I’ll be waiting a long time! ‘Trust yourself’, people say, as if you could do that by flicking on a switch.

My gut ‘instinct’ is almost always that I’m wrong, stupid and worthless. It’s not just relationship stuff – any kind of spiritual perception is tinged with ‘you’re imagining it, you idiot’. It’s hard to move past this. All I can really recommend is persistence (and maybe therapy lol). Of course it’s possible that I’m wrong. I got to a point where I just had to move forward on trust. As I’ve (stubbornly and bloody-mindedly) kept going, discretion has become easier. Trying to erase my destructive mindset and look at things from a level playing field is easier (not easy, just easier lol). I’m really lucky in that I have a spiritually perceptive Wife I can consult; it would be much harder trying to untangle this mess on my own.

Sometimes I try to look on things as an outsider; what would I think if someone else had had this experience? My journals also help – sometimes, reading through them, the evidence stacks up so high that it would feel dishonest to discount it. It also helps to know that if I’m depressed my signal clarity *dies* – so I can remind myself that I’m not abandoned or imagining things, I’m just depressed and I’ll see things differently once it’s over. Wife and Teacher, whose perceptions I trust, are fantastic – this is where having even a little bit of community is really great. Divination can be good, too…provided you trust your conclusions lol.

I would love to hear if anyone has any more advice or experiences they could share 😉

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